Let's Get Practical! Lesson 1: Showering

I value practicality and truth over truisms.

That said, I don’t remember when the last time I showered was, but my hair isn’t even greasy. Gross? It sounds worse than it is. But seriously, let’s get practical about showering for a minute.

1. PURPOSE: To cleanse body of bacteria, dead skin cells, and excess body oils and salts.

2. TIME REQUIREMENT: Varies by person. Ranges from 7-25 minutes 1-2 times/day.

3. MATERIALS:
10 gallons water/minute
soap
loofa/washcloth
Shampoo
Conditioner
Razor
shaving gel
towel

Let’s break it down:
- You average 1 hour 45 minutes each week in the shower, assuming you plan your physical activities so you only take one a day at 15 minutes a pop. Most likely you’re spending upwards of 2+ hours a week. That’s a whopping 8,320 hours over a lifetime. And that doesn’t include drying/fixing hair, etc. That is 346 days. Virtually a year! In a small porcelain cubicle. Now that is depressing.

- 150 gallons of water for a 15 minute shower. That’s 4, 368,000 gallons a lifetime per person. FOUR MILLION. M-I-L-L-I-O-N. It’s staggering, really. Think of mother earth. What would she want? If you fully examine the implications of showering on the environment, it will make you feel guilty. Unless you are a heartless nature hater. In that case, I hate you.

- The less you shower, the less often towels need washing, saving more water. So I think. Not washing your towels as often might just be kind of gross.

- The less you shower, the less shampoo, soap, etc. is used.

- Most of the world doesn’t shower every day, even in industrialized countries. Is it really necessary? I mean, I can’t remember when I showered last, my friends still talk to me and strangers don't seem offended. So, it’s not really a social issue. Additionally, I’ve worked out multiple times between showers. No need for an extra shower. A simple towel-off, a swipe of fresh deodorant, a brush through the hair, and you’re ready to go. I’m living, fair smelling, proof.

- The purpose of showering is to rid yourself of excess nastiness, so until you are nasty, those bacteria and oils aren’t hurting you. Think of it as natural moisturizer. It's good for you. It'll make your hair shiny!

-This is just a hunch, but I think showering is altering our pheremones, causing us to be attracted to the wrong people, leading to a high divorce rate. Not showering might help you catch a mate. They'll take one whiff of you and say, "What is that intoxicating aroma?" And you will proudly say, "Me. You are smelling me." And in no time, he will hoist you over his shoulder and carry you back to his cave.

In closing, do you really want to throw away your life just to be clean? Do you want to destroy nature so you can smell fresh and clean all the time? Do you want to risk losing friends because you have to leave parties early to wash your hair? Do you want to marry the wrong person because you smelled good?

I know there are people who agree with me. We’re a closeted group, but we're on the rise. I urge you, for your sake, for the sake of Mother Earth: Get practical! Adopt a more stringent showering routine.