I have decided. It’s time for me to be more ladylike.
Gone are the days of rolling out of bed and going to work or school without brushing my hair or looking in the mirror. I pledge to no longer wear the same nasty t-shirt and ill-fitting jeans for days on end until I lose them in the heaps of dirty clothing on my bedroom floor. I will not be tempted to buy the hideous $.99 shirt in the men’s department at Old Navy just because it is $.99. Cheap is not an excuse.
As a real woman, I will learn how to apply and wear eye makeup. Every bona fide woman knows how to do this. And lipstick. What about lipstick? It’s all pink and shiny and stuff. I will no longer cut my own bangs to save a buck – because it looks terrible. I am also going to cook. Seriously, I need this skill to be a fully functioning, non-dependent adult. I’ll be a regular Julia Child! I will also stop slumping in my chair like a lethargic teenage boy with a Ritalin overdose. It’s so unflattering.
It’s true that I have always loved shoes, but I have just recently realized just how much I love shoes. Cool, expensive shoes. I have also developed a womanly penchant for purses, bags, and totes. Both are ridiculous. I know. But it’s all just so feminine! I haven’t yet given into this inexplicable lust for leather, but I think it’s time.
Look out womanhood, here I come.
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