The Chokehold of Companionship

Perhaps a subconscious after-affect of being a middle child, I am always trying to carve out a niche for myself. To find friends and activities and things of my own. To find my own identity outside of those to whom I am in close proximity. (Many times this involves me becoming overly animated in large groups, working to garner the attentions and affections of those around me, though quite often it probably just makes me annoying.)

For this reason, I was excited to go to Korea. A place full of the unknown. A place where no one knew me. It was supposed to be a place to explore and start over. A chance to be independent and adventurous. Along with me would come two friends to be sidekicks, to keep each other company, and to adventure alongside each other.

However, instead of gaining independence and freedom, living here has become suffocating and strangely lonely. I am not sure what is making me feel like this, but here is what I think:

I would have been much better off coming to Korea alone. It would have forced me to do things for myself. Yet, because other people came along, I became dependent on them, solely because they were there and because I am somewhat lazy and slow about things. So, instead of becoming independent, I have become, in fact, more dependent.

There has developed a horrifying group-identity that contributes to feelings of suffocation. Everyone we have met, we have met as a group. Everything we do, we do as a group. Anywhere we go, we go as a group. Therefore, I am not Rachel. I am Jessica-Heather-Rachel. I find it to be that the group is identified and labeled by the person who is consistently outspoken and loud. However, this is usually the person that I differ from the most, and though I want to be friends with them, I do not want to be them. I have been lost in the shuffle and wake of others.

Maybe the most trying thing about a group identity is the assumptions placed upon you by others in the group. It is assumed if they want to go, that you want to go too. If they feel hungry for a hamburger, you must feel hungry for a hamburger too. It’s not really so much an assumption as it is a vicarious blanketing of your thoughts. Your thoughts are not even your own.

Similarly, there are the expectations. If they make plans to eat dinner with someone, you are expected to go. If they are going grocery shopping, you are supposed to go grocery shopping. Yet, if you say “no,” there lingers a nagging air of disapproval that you are not following the group. Sometimes I think I say "no" just to be different. I might really want to do what they are doing, but I want to express my independence, so I do it in a very childlike way. I might really want to hang out with our mutual friends, but I don't like the thought of being cloaked and covered by someone else, so I don't go. I am a social person, yet I have become somewhat of a hermit in order to avoid feeling suffocated.

I do not care to have people speak for me, make my plans, or control my social life. I thought managing your own life was supposed to be one of the perks of being single! Maybe this is a way to wrangle the selfishness out of me.

I wouldn’t have made a good Nazi.