I've Got the Ivory Blues

Whiter than an albino bunny; brighter than fresh driven snow; more transparent than great glaciers, but equally as blue - the “Ol’ Ivory Blues.” My legs.

Not white, but instead completely devoid of colors visible to the human eye, save a faint bluish tint, they’re not your typical pasty legs. What I’m about to tell you is going to sound like an exaggeration but it’s not: when I put on shorts for the first time this season, went into the sunlight and glanced down at my legs, my eyes actually started watering. It’s not quite like looking into the sun, but close.

Normal pale-skinned people have to wear sunscreen. However, my legs are so bright that they, in fact, reflect light. Sunbathers beware: if you’re hoping to soak up some rays, you should stay far away because the Ivory Blues will bounce back all sunrays within a 10 ft. radius.

I like to think that had I been around in Bible times, Moses would have asked me to use my phosphorescent legs as replacements for the burning pillars that lead the Israelites through the night. When I finally came to grips with the fact that leading thousands of people out of the desert wasn’t part of my destiny, I began to wonder how I could make the Ivory Blues work for me.

To date, I’ve had a few offers from pre-eminent environmental scientists and engineers to use my legs as a prototype for radiant heat shields to slow global warming. I’m also currently being recruited as a guide for a major cave system, thereby ending the need for pesky headlamps on popular spelunking tours.

In a place where many people have matched their skin to UT’s burnt orange trademark, glacier-colored legs are in surprisingly high demand, as everything else pales in comparison!