Baked in Sexism

It's no secret. I work with unbalanced people.  They aren't unbalanced in a bemusing, kooky way where they have unruly hair, and maybe talk about about Criss Angel or insist you watch youtube videos that don't involve hilarious animals. They're unbalanced in a bitter, angry, controlling, you-really-should-see-a-medical-professional sort of way.

As it is with any workplace, there are some things that co-workers do that annoy you.  These are the things that by ignoring and getting over them, make you a better, less uptight person.

And then there are things co-workers do that are so offensive, that by pointing them out to the offender, they have the opportunity to become the better person.

Now, addressing these issues is not easy under the best of circumstances, but when these conversations need to happen with borderline sociopaths, the difficulty rockets off the charts.  It becomes a minefield jam-packed with psychological pitfalls, with the fallout lasting on a geological scale. Almost daily, I listen to my co-workers angrily talk about grudges they have held for years. YEARS, people.  One of them extends back over a decade and is resurrected on a bi-weekly basis.

Knowing about my co-workers' preternatural grudge-holding abilities causes me pause to re-evaluate whether these issues are worth addressing. So whilst I contemplate my tolerance for idiocy vs. an assured workplace grudge match, I will put it all out here.

The first scenario isn't an assault on the emotions so much as the senses.

I have a co-worker that goes tanning on a daily basis. When I say tanning, I'm actually referring to a  nearly spiritual, full body baking ritual that results in skin so orange and burnished, it's like a bad photoshop filter has been applied to her person.  She regularly chides me on how white my skin is. I tell her, IT'S BECAUSE I'M A WHITE PERSON AND I'M SUPPOSED TO BE THIS SLIGHTLY BLUISH COLOR. And I also want to say, YOU'RE 100% IRISH WHY DO YOU LOOK LIKE A PENNY?

My irritation at her blatant disregard for her heritage and health aside, it's the pungent aftermath of these tanning sessions that bothers me. The woman smells of burning flesh the rest of the day.  Literally. Burning. Flesh. She comes into my office and it fills with the sickly, sweet smell of a hunk of steak left out in the summer sun. It's one of those weird smells that, like, bio-accumulates in your nose or something.  The first few times you smell it, you think, "huh, that's a weird, not great smell." Then it grows to be be righteously unpleasant, and before you know it, you stop breathing when you see her slightly pink irradiated body - signs of a fresh roast - marching towards your office door.

When the office visit lasts for more than about 15 seconds, I find my hand rising to cover my nose and mouth as non-nonchalantly as you can cover half of your face during the middle of a conversation. After she's gone, the sickening smell lingers, hanging thick and heavy in the air. Even now, writing it, my lip is involuntarily curling as I catch an imaginary whiff of burnt death. I just...I can't do it anymore.  I have got to say something, but this is obviously a delicate situation and I don't want to embarrass the woman...or suffer her wrath for the next decade.

The second scenario is seriously offensive. My only male co-worker and my boss are hard-core, subtle sexists. At first, I refused to believe it because, come on. We're in the 21st century. These are educated men with daughters. I'm highly competent and professional. Why is this happening?

Until these two lunkheads, I'd never really experienced sexism, and often I didn't realize what was happening as it happened.  Minutes after conversations, I would realize how demeaning their comments and attitudes toward women were. At first, I thought I was just being overly analytical, but as time has gone on and I've listened, I am confident in saying it is definitely not me. Often the sexism comes out in subtle ways, which makes it extra infuriating because it's very difficult to address without coming across as unprofessional/crazy.

I would give them the benefit of the doubt and say they may not even realize they are harboring this cretinous bias, but other times, their comments and actions are so outrageously bold I can barely contain my rage.  The most recent one being my boss, when I mentioned a kind of serious problem with a male co-worker said, "Well, it's women's natural inclination to criticize men."
 What a witless relic.

Though there have been hundreds of minor comments and incidents, this one angered me and lead me to seek advice on dealing with this type of bias. Suggestions ranged from carefully pointing it out when it happens so they are made aware of their bias, to using "power poses" to assert silent power, which I am pretty excited about trying out.

All this to say, I have no idea how to actually approach people about issues, whether they smell like fresh death or force you into awkward power poses in an effort to affect their caveman subconscious.

It's a fine balance between knowing what's okay to expect for yourself and when to shut up and deal. Far worse than the fear of enduring someone's grudge for the next decade is the fear of overstepping reasonable boundaries and becoming a selfish, self-centered hack.